by Joan

Loneliness is Very Common

An accepted definition of loneliness among those who study it is this: “Loneliness is the unpleasant experience that occurs when a person's network of social relations is deficient in some important way, either quantitatively or qualitatively.”³ 

The everyday person is not quick to admit loneliness, much less describe it. Loneliness is sometimes secondarily expressed as “constant and unrelenting feelings of being alone, separated or divided from others, and an inability to connect on a deeper level. It can also be accompanied by deeply rooted feelings of self-doubt, low self-esteem, or social anxiety.”⁴ There’s an almost subconscious stigma with loneliness that makes us think we are not valued or loved, and because this belief feels shameful, we usually don’t want to admit it to anyone.

Yet, considering how uniquely different everyone’s personality, background, and experiences are, loneliness is an inevitable experience for everyone to some extent. Even though the causes of loneliness are unique to someone’s situation, the painful feelings of emptiness are relatively similar. That pain is often further amplified by fear, especially the fear of rejection. Sadly, that fear is usually made even worse when it’s related to sin — the fear of being shamed or misunderstood by someone. Sometimes it just feels easier to believe you’re the only one who struggles with something and that there is no one else who could ever understand. When we get to that point, we tend to navigate life all alone. This cyclical pattern self-perpetuates, and never improves without intervention.

For those who struggle with less-socially-acceptable sins like unwanted same-sex attraction, it is often hard to admit their struggle because the fears of disappointment and rejection are not just imaginary — sometimes in the Church that is exactly what happens. It’s not easy to find someone who seems trustworthy or able to help.

The general public in America increasingly supports those who align with the LGBTQ+ community— even so far as labeling it as a positive identity.  Church people sometimes shame the one who is struggling with unwanted desires, or they often simply have no idea how to help.  Other times the Church does something worse than not helping the person seeking freedom; they actually affirm the popular sinful view. Such situations are fertile ground for loneliness, confusion, and despair to abound.

On One Level, God is The Answer

After all, God created you, designed you, and knows everything about you. And He invites you into His Presence. Ultimately, He is the One to fill that “infinite abyss” of which Pascal spoke.

The Psalms are full of David and others crying out to God in the desperation of loneliness, hopelessness, fear, and every other human emotion that we would rather not experience. God knows those emotions, and you’re not the first person who’s needed His help facing them.

“The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

“All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.”  (Psalm 38:9).

“I am lonely and afflicted, relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my  anguish.” (Psalm 25:16-17)

“Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him. God is a refuge for us” (Psalm 62:8).

“I call on the Lord in my distress and He answers me...” (Psalm 120:1).

“In all their distress He too was distressed...” (Isaiah 63:9)

Jesus Himself knew loneliness. Unlike Moses, He did bear our sins alone. He withdrew to lonely places to pray because only His Father could fully appreciate what he was bearing. He bore the hatred of the religious community and also the misunderstandings of His followers. He said of His disciples, “You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for My Father is with Me” (John 16:23). 

That same fellowship with the Father is available to us. God has heartfelt compassion for the lonely. As His Word says, He “gives lonely people a family. He sets prisoners free.” (Psalm 68:6). God the Father and Jesus promise to make their home with the one who follows Jesus’ teaching.  (John 14:23).

On Another Level, God Isn’t Meant to be The Only Answer

The first time God ever said something was less than good, He was talking about man being separated, apart, and alone (Genesis 2:18). His grand remedy for this not-good situation was to create another — a companion, a “helper”. He didn’t tell Adam to get closer to God, He made him a friend. As much as these verses in Genesis 2 speak to God’s design for man and woman within marriage, it also speaks to human relationships outside of marriage by saying that being alone/separated, is not good. It is not God’s design for man or woman to live life in a constantly isolated state. Fellowship and companionship are some of our most primal and essential needs. 

Secular research backs this up. Some have said of loneliness that “the impact it has on our bodies is thought to be equivalent to smoking over a dozen cigarettes a day”⁵. Loneliness has been linked to “heart disease, lung disease, cardiovascular disease, hypertension, atherosclerosis, stroke, and metabolic disorders, such as obesity” as well as “depression, psychological stress, and anxiety.”⁶