This is the fourth part of a series reviewing Dr. Gregory Coles¹ “Pastoral Paper” entitled, “Understanding Celibate Partnerships and Committed Friendships.”  It can be found on the Center for Faith, Sexuality, and Gender website, where Coles is the Senior Research Fellow under President Preston Sprinkle. In Part I we looked at the paper’s framework, aims and structural outline.  Here we continue to think through the common themes found in what Coles shared from the  people he interviewed.

Common Themes

Romance is Undeniable, Except When it Isn’t

This would be comical if it wasn’t so sad.  Here are a few quotes:

"When I say that our relationship is not romantic – a lot of that stems from me challenging the concept of romance altogether.  I don’t think the concept of romance really exists in any kind of real concrete form."  Pg 25

"Romance is a kind of modern construct.  Romance is about the strong feelings of love that you have for another human being.  In some ways I think there are romantic feelings between friends.  I don’t think it’s just exclusive to marriage.  … There can be really strong emotional bonds and feelings between friends that can be romantic in some ways.  I don’t think romance necessarily leads to sex and sex relationships.  Yes, it can, and you should be aware of that, but it doesn’t necessarily have to." Pg 27

It's fine to be romantic when we change the defnition of the word, or pretend we don’t know how powerful romantic feelings can be.  Romance in a same-sex relationship is not morally neutral.  Here is a particularly troubling example of not seeing the forest for the trees:

This was the response of one interviewee whose chosen family includes both her husband and another committed friend:  I don’t love her in the same way that I love my husband, but I absolutely love her and express that through physical affection …If the two of us are going out, we hold hands with each other, we put our arms around each other, we lean on each other’s shoulders – there is a very clear sense physical comfortableness and affection. Pg 25

This is inappropriate – this behavior is not good for anyone in the household.

Although this section contained a disturbing number of people not knowing what “romance” meant, and demonstrating reckless behavior and attitudes toward it, there were a few level-headed folks who acknowledged it isn’t something to be messed with.

I’ve made the mistake before of giving too much, being too expressive in gift-giving and showing things off and making picnics on the beach, because I wanted to show friends can do this…and it has caused a disruption in feelings.  Pg 25

How [do] I know whether one of my friendships is becoming romantic?  I ask my whether we’re trying to cultivate the kind of friendship you could have with a sibling…. I don’t think Ruth and Naomi, David and Johnathan, Jesus and John, or Paul and Timothy did anything you’d feel uncomfortable doing in a healthy friendship with a biological sibling.  Pg 26 [These guys live with multiple other men.]

These fellows get it – if it isn’t something you’d do with a sibling, if it is something that could lead toward enticing someone sexually, you’re overstepping into a dangerous area.  This essay² (see footnote for PDF link) was very helpful to me in discerning what was romantic and should therefore be avoided in my relationships with friends. You can also refer to chapter 8 of Holy Sexuality and the Gospel, by Christopher Yuan, for more help with this.

Compartmentalizing Civil vs. Spiritual Marriage

Of all that was in this document, this was the theme that caught me by surprise.  He is how Coles opened this segment of his paper:

Perhaps one of the most controversial aspects of celibate partnerships and committed friendships between LGBTQ+ people of the same sex is the question whether participants are open to entering into a civil same-sex marriage with on another. Closely related is the question of what a married and sexually active same sex couple ought to do if they reach the conviction that they are called to abstain from same-sex sexual activity: must they pursue a civil divorce, or can they remain legally married, live in the same house, and pursue life as celibate partners? Pg 2

I had to read that several times to be sure I had it right.  For some reason, some Christians in these celibate partnerships / committed friendships who experience attractions to the same sex are considering entering into a civil marriage.  This should not even be a question.  If you’re seriously thinking of taking this step, it’s a sign you’ve made a bad decision to enter this type of relationship in the first place.

On top of this, Coles writes that a “closely related question” is what persons who has been in a legal marriage to someone of the same sex should do if they “reach the conviction that they are called to abstain from same-sex sexual activity.”  This is not closely related question at all!  It was astonishing to read this.  The first case is a matter of walking into sin, the second case is about walking out of it. The reason people gave for considering the first question was dismal:

Most of my interviewees indicated that they had no ethical objection to celibate people pursuing (or remaining in) civil same-sex marriages. However, not all of them intended to pursue such an arrangement themselves. “It might feel a little dishonest,” one interviewee told me, while also noting, “Logistically, I totally see the benefits.... There are really good financial gains for that.” Another said, “If I were to get to that point in a partnership, I’d have to think about it and pray abou it. But personally, I have no issues with people who have decided to do that.” Pg 2

For some interviewees, however, pursuing a civil marriage felt significant to their hopes for their future lives together. “We definitely plan to pursue a legal marriage," one celibate partner explained, “because there’s no other recognition legally that can afford you the same privileges. We also have considered adopting, so that wo make our lives a lot easier.” Pg 23

Another interviewee disclosed, “We entered a civil marriage many years ago. We kept it very, very, very quiet. I wouldn’t want to be identified as somebody who’s held up my hand and said, ‘Oh, yeah, we’re civilly married.’ In a post-Obergefell world, that was our only option.” He went on to explain, “It’s really convenient in medical situations to throw out the spouse card, because then you get treated a lot differently than if you say words like ‘partner’ or ‘friend.’” Pg 23

A number of interviewees were quick to clarify that if they did pursue civil same sex marriage, they would make it “very intentionally not a spiritual marriage,” as one celibate partner said. He went on to detail, “We wouldn’t have a pastor officiate; we’d go to a judge.” Pg 23

“I’m not against the idea of marrying my partner for things like sharing benefits and responsibilities in the eyes of our government, but it would never be something consummated before God as a union.” Pg 23

A third interviewee said of civil marriage, “I just see it as a piece of paper handed out by the state that has no ultimate spiritual consequence.” However, he noted understanding that others might see it differently. Pg 23

Though no one I interviewed expressed specific concerns about a civil marriage creating an environment of increased sexual temptation for themselves personally, a few noted that this dynamic might be at play for some people. Pg 23-24

“Most…had no ethical objection to celibate people pursuing (or remaining in) civil same-sex marriages.”  “It might feel a little dishonest…”  Of course it is dishonest an ethically wrong.  Since when do Christians separate ethics from morality?  We have answer to the King of Kings.  There is a serious lack of discipleship among those who are quoted here.  This isn’t just a “piece of paper” with no spiritual consequence.  It a paper proclaiming what would be an ungodly covenant, and one that gains access benefits that are not yours to claim.  The person who said, “In a post-Obergefell world, that was our only option,” is negating the provision of almighty God.

And He said to His disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on.  For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.  Consider the ravens: they neither so nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?  Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, you of little faith!  And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink nor be worried.  For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them.  Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.

“Fear not, little rock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.”  Luke 12:22-32

Sin is never “our only option.” Entering into a civil marriage in these “partnerships adds layers of confusion where clarity is desperately needed, both in the church and the world at large.

In the next two editions, we’ll take a break from this series to share some news updates.