by Debra Baty
Perhaps you’ve spoken about the Lord’s outline for sexuality or gender[1] in the workplace or school. Maybe you’ve been taken by surprise in a conversation with a friend. Suddenly, the accusation flies – “You’re a bigot! You hate LGBTQ+ people!” What can we do in such a heated situation?
[1] Gender in this context is equivalent with biological sex, male or female, created in the image of God.
One’s relationship with the person making the accusation can make a difference. If a total stranger on social media made this assertion, it wouldn’t have the same weight as a comment from a close family member. However, there are some general steps we can take to respond.
1. Ask the Lord to Search Your Heart.
In Psalm 193:23-24 we read:
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
When accused of something, we can ask the Lord to show us if there is any truth to the matter. None of us is perfect; we may have harbored hatred or unfairness toward someone. We can move forward once we’ve heard from the Lord on this.
2. Politely Address the Charge.
In the last decade, people have been quick to lash out with accusations of bigotry, hatred, or some type of -phobia or -ism. It is a powerful, conversation-stopping charge no one wants to be labeled with. When the Lord has shown us areas where we were being hateful or unjust, we should confess our sin and ask Him for forgiveness. We can then share this with the person who made the claim. When we’ve asked the Lord to search our hearts and found no such thing, we can politely reply, “What you’re saying about me is not true.” Far too often, we allow such allegations to shut down communication or enable them to pass by unchallenged. These claims should be addressed.
3. Ask for More Information.
Particularly when we’ve not been guilty of being hateful or bigoted, we can ask the person why they’ve said we were and what evidence they may have from your words or actions to substantiate it. I’ve heard from many falsely accused in the workplace who have asked for specifics only to have generalized responses. Unfortunately, labeling someone with one of these terms has become a reflex, a way of warding off fear of social criticism. We can help people think through this impulse and return to interacting based on what is true.
4. Continue Firmly and Kindly in the Truth.
The weight of these accusations has led many to cave into confession of wrongdoing, even when they were not guilty. Or to back off from the truth of what the Lord has said about stewarding our sexuality or gender. These are mistakes. As uncomfortable as it may be to respond to someone scowling or lashing out with harsh words, we need to stand firm on what we know to be true and trust in the Lord to have our back.
5. Speak About Wanting to Continue the Relationship.
While the person we’re speaking with may use these assertions to end the conversation and possibly the relationship, we can tell them we’d like to continue to be their friend and talk again. This may be another challenging, awkward thing to say in the heat of the moment, but it is important to extend the hand of friendship and an open door. Even if such an offer is refused, we don’t know the long-term impact of showing grace under fire.
For more information about how to navigate difficult conversations about sexuality and gender, please get in touch with Transforming Congregations / Love and Truth Network.
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